Milestones: Teaching Your Son How to Pee Outside

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There are few moments as monumental as learning how to take a leak in the great outdoors. Since the beginning of time, man has been relieving himself on trees, rocks, and whatever else he can aim at. What, you thought God gave Adam a toilet in the garden? If you haven’t yet experienced this wonderful occasion, take a few pointers from the guys above: Perfect stance with legs shoulder width apart, pants still around your waist (depending on age) and no eye contact. Dad even takes the time to look over his shoulder to make sure his boys are doing it right.

The only problem with teaching your son how to pee outside is getting him to stop. Could be worse, I guess. He could’ve learned how to twerk. What’s the most embarrassing story about you or your kid answering nature’s call outdoors?

10 Reasons To Skip Your High School Reunion

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Bringing Rain put it best – “If I’m back here at a reunion in twenty years talking about how wonderful high school was, just shoot me.” I’m truly amazed at how excited some people are to attend their high school reunion. Did they attend a different high school than I did? One on a different planet where high school didn’t completely suck the life out of you and drama didn’t leave a pile of bodies in its wake. The rumor du jour caused more casualties than drone strikes under Obama.

Some may write this off as nothing more than typical rant from a cynical loser who went through his formative years in the shadows. While I won’t can’t argue that, it does little to change the fact that hike school is, and always will be, slightly preferable to prison. That said, here are the top ten reasons to skip your high school reunion:

10.) vinelogo9.) pintrestlogo

8.) apple_facetime_ios_7_logo7.) Instagram-logo16.) twitterlogo

5.) facebooklogo

4.) facebooklogo3.) facebooklogo2.) facebooklogo1.) facebooklogo

There you have it. You already know everything you could ever possibly want about the people you actually cared about from high school. I just saved you $100 on pretentious clothes you’ll never wear again, $50 on gas to some random event hall, and an entire day of pretending you didn’t want to give the guy you’re talking to an atomic wedgie because he was such a (fill in the blank) back in the day. In closing, You’re welcome.

 

P.S.

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I Need Coffee Because… (A Kid’s Perspective)

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Coffee has bean the grounds of many a heated and strong discussion – and not just amongst coffee snobs (I’m looking at you “I grind my own beans”, French press guy). Now it’s being talked about with our children.

My friend’s eight-year-old daughter passed this note to him, possibly with a twenty she swiped from his wallet (hey, it worked with the babysitter) in an attempt to convince him to pour her a cup of java.  It reads:

I NEED COFFEE BECEUSE…

  1. I love it
  2. I need it
  3. I want it
  4. U get to have it
  5. Mommy gets to have it
  6. It is healthy for U

THE END

I say give her some. Her letter is just as good as the kid from summer camp and there are far worse things to be addicted to. Besides, insomnia builds character.

More Proof That Everything is Better With LEGO.

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Why do Minifigs hate going to the doctor? Because plastic surgery (literally) costs an arm and a leg! Why do your kids hate going to the doctor? Well, probably because you let a stranger poke them with needles, shove popsicle sticks down their throat, and they get yelled at as soon as they start playing with the giant Q-Tips.

On top of that, Dr. Mario asks the kids to tell him how much pain they’re in by looking at a bunch of Microsoft Word clipart faces that are more ambiguous than Hillary Clinton’s sexuality Bert and Ernie’s relationship. Fear not, dad, the brick stops here. I think it should’ve been extended to 11 – “Stepped on a LEGO. Tell my wife and kids I love them.”

The best thing about this highly unofficial LEGO Pain Assessment Chart is the emotion displayed in those little pencil eraser sized faces and the accompanying description below them. “But isn’t that everything there is to this incredibly geeky chart?” you ask. Indeed. Everything is awesome.

Resistance is Futile. Embrace the Chaos.

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As any co-sleeping parent will tell you, the hours between the time you lay your head on the pillow and the moment your alarm clock starts playing ‘Everything is Awesome‘ to wake you for the new day can be the most dreaded, frightful, rage inducing part an your life. And like Bill Murray in ‘Groundhog Day,’ you must relive it day after day after day.

The cause of such torment? Your heir apparent and his manifest destiny to rule the land of Serta by any means necessary. Resistance is futile. Embrace the chaos.

 

Tell me your funny stories about co-sleeping in the comments below.

Men and Women – The Difference is in the Details

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Cheap. Easy. Trite. Yet, we gobble it up like the last slice of grandma’s pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.

For years, it’s been ingrained in our brain that men and women couldn’t possibly be more different. The list of differences between the sexes grows by the minute. Society tells us ‘Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus‘ and ‘Men Are Like Waffles–Women Are Like Spaghetti.’ Enough already! We get it!

This tired plot device has carried plenty of sitcoms to prime time and far too many would be direct-to-DVD films to the silver screen. Studios bank, nay, prey on, our unwavering interest in having this timeworn stereotype entertain us. The least they could do is mix it up a little bit and pretend to have served us a fresh meal instead of last night’s leftovers. 

Broad strokes of the brush will cover a lot of canvas, and fast. But ask any painter worth his palette and he’ll tell you it’s the smaller #2 brush that brings the portrait to life. Likewise, the details explain the differences between men and women best – and without insulting either gender with archaic clichés. A perfect example of this is a conversation I recently had with a female coworker of mine.

Me: “How was your weekend? Did your son find an affordable car yet?”

Her: “Yeah! What about you? Did your sister have her baby yet?”

Me: “Yep – finally. What kind of car did he get? You know – year/make/model/miles?”

Her: “I dunno… a blue one. It’s got two doors. She had a boy, right? How big was he – you know weight/length/ pounds and ounces?”

Me: A boy. “How big was he? Ummm… baby size? A blue one, really?”

Her and I simultaneously: “What do you mean (baby size/blue one)? That’s all you remember? And to think (he’s/she’s) your (son/sister)!”

Me being a guy, wired the way I am, wanted to know if her son got a sweet ride or a beater with known problems. I wanted to know if I should expect to hear about him breaking down in the weeks to come or if about him loading it up with his friends for a cross-country trip before he heads off to college.

She, being a female on the other hand, only remembered what was important to her – it’s a car and it runs. And in case she hears from her neighbors complaining about someone doing doughnuts in her yard, what color is was. Blue.

In my defense, though, nothing I failed to mention (or didn’t care to remember) takes away from the value of my nephew. It’s not like there’s a Kelly Blue Book listing for kids – although I’m sure some of you wouldn’t mind knowing what the trade-in value is on your moody teen.

There we were, XY and XX, both concerned about the others’ family member. And yet, neither could understand how the other didn’t know such blatantly important details. The difference, you see, is in the details. How’s that for a plot twist?

5 Lessons Every Dad Can Learn From an MMA Fight

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As a new dad, I’m sure your wife has hit Amazon for a plethora of books covering myriad of topics from baby names to knowing what to expect until the kid is old enough to drive. Your bank account has become victim of a devious marketing scheme preying on emotionally unstable women. From one dad to another, let me save you a buck or two while enlightening you with some lessons you can’t learn from any book. I’m also going to put it in a way every man can understand.

Raising a family is very much like an MMA fight. MMA fights are just a little shorter and involve less blood, sweat and tears.

Here are 5 things you can learn about fatherhood from an MMA fight.

Nothing Prepares You for ‘Getting Caught’.

At UFC 115, Hall-of-Famer Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell was KO’ed with just five seconds remaining in the first round by Rich ‘Ace’ Franklin. With just a minute left, Liddell was on the way to winning the round. However, with only moments remaining, Franklin landed a straight right. Liddell went down unconscious and it was over. Done.  Just like that.

There will come a time when your kid pees through his clothes, covers your back in puke, or bumps his head at the most inopportune time. You’ll fear that someone is staring at you, judging your every move as if you’re trying to diffuse a bomb Jack Bauer style. Don’t sweat it. These moments happen to even the most prepared dad. Clean yourself off, pick yourself up and walk it off. If the wife asks what happened just say “Hey, I got caught. I’m ready to keep fighting.”

♫ Go to sleep – Little Creep ♫

When Trying to Put Someone to Sleep, Patience is Key

Unlike the fan favorite Knockout, putting your opponent to sleep via Submission is an art form that requires strategy and skill, and doesn’t usually happen in the blink of an eye. It’s not uncommon for a fighter to spend the majority of a fight on the ground setting up their submission. UFC fighter and ESPN Analyst Kenny Florian had ten of his fourteen wins come by way of putting his opponent to sleep (or making them tap, but I don’t suggest you go that far). The reason he’s so good at what he does is two-fold: He practices daily at the Florian Martial Arts Center and he’s patient in the heat of battle.

This translates over to parenthood. Set a routine. Stick to it. Don’t force it, sometimes the lil’ guy just isn’t ready to sleep – that’s why God gave us coffee and RedBull. Above all else, don’t give in. The kid will fall asleep eventually. Just make sure it’s before you do.

Awww c’mon! I sear he didn’t hear that from me.

Never Leave it in the Hands of the Judges

Fighters only have fifteen minutes – that’s roughly one minute for every year you kid will actually care what you say – to get their point across and either finish the fight or convince you that they won. We’ve all seen guys get robbed thanks to a bad judge.

Your success as a father depends not on what some loser on a TV show thinks, but rather on the role you play in your child’s life. Society would prefer that your son or daughter appreciate the finer things in life like bodywash and toothpaste, but other than that who cares what they want. You should raise your kid how you see fit, unless you attend Westboro Baptist Church. In that case, “suck it.”

Behind Every Champion is a Great Corner

Arguably the best pound-for-pound fighter of all time, Georges St. Pierre hasn’t lost a fight since 2007. He’s won Fighter of the Year and Canadian Athlete of the Year three years running. The only thing the man hasn’t done is hold two titles at the same time – although he could have if belts changed hands regardless of weight class.  So what’s his secret? How does he do it?  He’s got a great corner in Greg Jackson and Phil Nurse. Before and after every fight, between every round, these guys help him stay focused, correct his mistakes, and support him every step of the way.

You’d be wise to start building your corner now – and start with your wife. After that, start a support group of friends and other parents that have either been through the kid wars before or are in the trenches right now. They will be the ones to pick you up when you just can’t make it another round.

Always, Always Thank Your Sponsors

Fighter’s shorts often look ridiculous plastered with company logos all over them. The funniest sponsor to date has to be CondomDepot.com – and if shopped there in the first place you wouldn’t have a kid now would you?

When the fight is over and your hand is raised in victory, follow suit and thank your sponsors – those that put money in your pocket or had a helping hand in getting here. Some are parents or an old teacher, others are a good friend or a job you had that worked with your schedule around weeks 39 and 40. Whatever the case may be don’t be an a**hole and pretend that you did it all on your own.

5 Things Every Man Should Know About A Vasectomy [From A Guy That Had It Done]

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There comes a time in every man’s life when he must chose whether or not to put an end to his baby making days.  Earlier this year, I decided that three kids was enough (and I finally got a boy!) and that I should get a vasectomy.  You know how hard it is to make enough time to play with the kid(s), spend quality time with the wife, hit the gym every once in awhile and hold down a soul crushing 9-5 job… having another child would make it that much harder. Besides, the price of diapers isn’t going down anytime soon.

If you’re thinking about getting snipped or know someone who is, here are five things you need to know before making your decision:

It’s going to hurt


Imagine having your toddler kick you in the family jewels. Hurts enough to drop you but not enough to make you puke. Yeah, and this time it won’t go away in ten minutes. It’s going to be a week – at least.

Post-Op is a great time to catch up


You won’t be doing much of anything except sleeping that Friday. But you can rest assured you can milk the pain for the entire weekend. I did. Catch up on the DVR, read that book you just haven’t got around too, and log some serious hours online with your gaming console of choice.

Ice ice baby


You’ll undoubtedly be rotating bags of ice more frequently than you changed diapers that first year. Your Dr. may also suggest frozen peas, just make sure you don’t go grab a can of peas and toss it in the freezer. From this point forward you will always know exactly how long 20 minutes is.

From golf balls to softballs (no pun intended), you are going to swell


Yep, this part really makes life suck. It’s uncomfortable and gross but hey, you can at least say you’ve got bigger balls than all of your friends.

It’s totally worth it


Much like childbirth, getting a vasectomy is a necessary evil to endure to reap the tremendous rewards afterwards. Don’t let the guys in the office bust your balls over getting fixed.  Simply remind them of all the Trojans running bare back and how they still need to saddle up their horses before heading out.

ABC’s of Fatherhood

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A is for Always carry wet wipes, you’ll thank me later.

B is for “Because I said so.” Not exactly the greatest answer, but it’ll do in a pinch.

C is for Classic Cartoons. Don’t let them grow up not knowing about The Flintstones, Jetsons, Looney Toons, or Anamaniacs.

D is for Damage Control. You’re kids will undoubtedly say the darndest things at the worst possible times.

E is for Exersaucer. Get one.

F is for Five Fantastic Things: Faith, Family, Friends, Fighting and Football

G is for Grandparents: America’s #1 free babysitter.

H is for Hero. Be a dad worth looking up to.

I is for Ice cream: great for dessert, rewards, and bribes.

J is for Just in case: From diapers and a change of clothes when they’re younger to a cell phone and credit card when they head off to college.

K is for KEEP HER OFF THE POLE! By any means necessary.

L is for Lack of sleep – get used to it.

M is for Milf. We should all be so lucky to wake up next to one.

N is for Ninja Sex. Because God knows that if either of you make one little noise it’s all over.

O is for Oreos. You must teach your kids the proper dunking method.

P is for Privacy. Wait, what’s that?

Q is for ‘Quality over Quantity’. From toys to clothes to family vacations, always choose quality. Except for when it comes to your time spent with the kids. Make excuses if you have to, but spend time with them every chance you get.

R is for Refereeing. If you have more than one kid you know exactly what I’m talking about. If not. See here.

S is for Spying. With all of the dangers out there, you’re darn right I’m gonna be spying on my kids – and you should be to.

T is for Take time for yourself. Your wife and kids will like being around you much more if you’re happy, okay, Hulk?

U is for Umpteenth; the number of times you’ll have to tell the kids to get back in bed or clean their room.

V is for Vasectomy. This is a milestone of maturity and sadomasochism.

W is for Western Union, because sometimes Life throws a curve ball. Thanks dad!

X is for X-Factor. It’s the thing that separates your kid from all the others.

Y is for Yard work. It can wait. Take the family to the park, go for a bike ride, build an obstacle course, or have a tea party. The grass will be there tomorrow.

Z is for Zero; the amount your bank account will hold after the 1st year buying diapers.

5 Parenting Tips From Homer Simpson

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“When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! “- Homer Simpson

For over 20 years, this dimwitted TV dad has dispensed great deal of knowledge to fathers across the globe. Although 90% of his actions are atrocious at best, you must admit Homer means well. While I’m not suggesting you become a drunk, ignore your wife and kids, steal from your neighbor or choke your problem child, I am hoping you’ll consider these parenting tips from “Mr. Plow” (There’s a reason he has 3 kids) and become a better dad in the process.

“Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

Stop trying to be the perfect dad and then beating yourself up when you fail. None of us are perfect. Wait, let me rephrase that- none of you are perfect. You’ll be a much better/happier father once you come to terms with that.

“If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

If your last name isn’t Trump or Gates, you can rest assured that you’ll work to get what you want in life. I hope that you’re mature enough to understand that lottery tickets are for suckers. You want your kids to stay outta juvey? It’s going to take some work on your part. Teach him the ropes and don’t be afraid of a little discipline.

“Back, you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me, and… maybe the boy!”

You, dad, have the power to make a family outing successful and enjoyable. Your wife always tries to make the best of everything while you’re used to blowing up because the price of gas went up. Quit crying tightwad – don’t let oil prices or robots ruin your special time with the family.

“I want to share something with you. The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”

Upon hearing that he was about to die, Homer J. shared these words of wisdom with Bart. You don’t have to wait until you think you’re about to die to share advice with your kids. Your influence over your children is huge – use it wisely.

“My father never believed in me! I’m not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I’m gonna be kinder to my son and meaner to my dad.”

Don’t crush your kids dreams. Step up and be supportive. Encourage your children to pursue whatever it is that they love. Remember the T-shirt that reads ‘Be nice to your kids. They’ll chose your nursing home.’