Milestones: Teaching Your Son How to Pee Outside

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There are few moments as monumental as learning how to take a leak in the great outdoors. Since the beginning of time, man has been relieving himself on trees, rocks, and whatever else he can aim at. What, you thought God gave Adam a toilet in the garden? If you haven’t yet experienced this wonderful occasion, take a few pointers from the guys above: Perfect stance with legs shoulder width apart, pants still around your waist (depending on age) and no eye contact. Dad even takes the time to look over his shoulder to make sure his boys are doing it right.

The only problem with teaching your son how to pee outside is getting him to stop. Could be worse, I guess. He could’ve learned how to twerk. What’s the most embarrassing story about you or your kid answering nature’s call outdoors?

10 Reasons To Skip Your High School Reunion

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Bringing Rain put it best – “If I’m back here at a reunion in twenty years talking about how wonderful high school was, just shoot me.” I’m truly amazed at how excited some people are to attend their high school reunion. Did they attend a different high school than I did? One on a different planet where high school didn’t completely suck the life out of you and drama didn’t leave a pile of bodies in its wake. The rumor du jour caused more casualties than drone strikes under Obama.

Some may write this off as nothing more than typical rant from a cynical loser who went through his formative years in the shadows. While I won’t can’t argue that, it does little to change the fact that hike school is, and always will be, slightly preferable to prison. That said, here are the top ten reasons to skip your high school reunion:

10.) vinelogo9.) pintrestlogo

8.) apple_facetime_ios_7_logo7.) Instagram-logo16.) twitterlogo

5.) facebooklogo

4.) facebooklogo3.) facebooklogo2.) facebooklogo1.) facebooklogo

There you have it. You already know everything you could ever possibly want about the people you actually cared about from high school. I just saved you $100 on pretentious clothes you’ll never wear again, $50 on gas to some random event hall, and an entire day of pretending you didn’t want to give the guy you’re talking to an atomic wedgie because he was such a (fill in the blank) back in the day. In closing, You’re welcome.

 

P.S.

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I Need Coffee Because… (A Kid’s Perspective)

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Coffee has bean the grounds of many a heated and strong discussion – and not just amongst coffee snobs (I’m looking at you “I grind my own beans”, French press guy). Now it’s being talked about with our children.

My friend’s eight-year-old daughter passed this note to him, possibly with a twenty she swiped from his wallet (hey, it worked with the babysitter) in an attempt to convince him to pour her a cup of java.  It reads:

I NEED COFFEE BECEUSE…

  1. I love it
  2. I need it
  3. I want it
  4. U get to have it
  5. Mommy gets to have it
  6. It is healthy for U

THE END

I say give her some. Her letter is just as good as the kid from summer camp and there are far worse things to be addicted to. Besides, insomnia builds character.

More Proof That Everything is Better With LEGO.

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Why do Minifigs hate going to the doctor? Because plastic surgery (literally) costs an arm and a leg! Why do your kids hate going to the doctor? Well, probably because you let a stranger poke them with needles, shove popsicle sticks down their throat, and they get yelled at as soon as they start playing with the giant Q-Tips.

On top of that, Dr. Mario asks the kids to tell him how much pain they’re in by looking at a bunch of Microsoft Word clipart faces that are more ambiguous than Hillary Clinton’s sexuality Bert and Ernie’s relationship. Fear not, dad, the brick stops here. I think it should’ve been extended to 11 – “Stepped on a LEGO. Tell my wife and kids I love them.”

The best thing about this highly unofficial LEGO Pain Assessment Chart is the emotion displayed in those little pencil eraser sized faces and the accompanying description below them. “But isn’t that everything there is to this incredibly geeky chart?” you ask. Indeed. Everything is awesome.

Resistance is Futile. Embrace the Chaos.

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As any co-sleeping parent will tell you, the hours between the time you lay your head on the pillow and the moment your alarm clock starts playing ‘Everything is Awesome‘ to wake you for the new day can be the most dreaded, frightful, rage inducing part an your life. And like Bill Murray in ‘Groundhog Day,’ you must relive it day after day after day.

The cause of such torment? Your heir apparent and his manifest destiny to rule the land of Serta by any means necessary. Resistance is futile. Embrace the chaos.

 

Tell me your funny stories about co-sleeping in the comments below.

How To Train For A Warrior Dash – Daddy Style

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Emotionally draining. Grueling. Uncomfortable. Messy. Excruciatingly painful and yet, totally worth it! No, I’m not talking about childbirth, I’m talking about the ultra-adventurous obstacle course Warrior Dash. Leave the namsy-pamsy colors and bubbles of other 5Ks for your wife, this challenge is for dads.

Warrior Dash is headed to Michigan in July and I’ll be running alongside other brave dads (and a few moms, too), many of whom are looking to burn off the remaining sympathy weight. That shouldn’t be too hard considering we’ll be running 3+ miles with 11 obstacles scattered throughout to push us to our limits. Want to know when they’re headed to your city? Check here and register now before the price goes up.

Now that you’re all signed up, it’s time to start training. But how’s a busy dad to get ready for the biggest challenge he’s faced since the twins came down with the flu? Easy – just follow my DadFit regimen three times a week in addition to a few decent runs to get your endurance to a respectable level.

These exercises are designed to make you uncomfortable (just like you will be on the obstacle course) while also preparing the muscle groups you’ll rely on the most to complete the Warrior Dash. Bonus: you can still spend time with your kids!

The goal is to do as many reps as possible (AMRAP) with good form in one minute before moving on to the next exercise. Rest for thirty seconds in between exercises. Complete all exercises listed and you’ve completed one circuit. Do as many circuits as you can in 15 minutes for a killer DadFit workout sure to whip your butt into shape.

Army Crawl Through LEGOs (Shown Above): All mud runs require you to army crawl through or under something. Better get used to the pain now. This exercise is almost exclusively upper body strength movement that puts constant, unyielding pressure on your chest and arms. Make it through a ten foot stretch of colorful bricks and you can make it though anything.

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Weighted Push Ups: You’ll need to increase your upper body strength to successfully conquer the Diesel Dome or the Great Warrior Wall. The most popular body weight exercise is just the thing you need to do the job. “If you do pushups correctly, you develop your scapular muscles and your rotator-cuff muscles to stabilize your shoulders.” says Michael Clark, C.S.C.S., a physical therapist and president of the National Academy of Sports Medicine.

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Weighted Crab Walk: I realize you probably haven’t done this since you were the same age your kids are now, but the crab walk is one of many beneficial exercises that have long since been forgotten, despite how simple and fun it is. AskMen.com goes on to say, “Not only will it challenge your balance and agility, but you’ll also really work the hamstrings, glutes, abs, triceps, and shoulder muscles while doing it.” – exactly what you need to dominate the Pipeline.

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Weighted Forward Lunges: Two of the most beneficial aspects of including lunges in your workout are increased core stability and increased balance, both of which come in handy should you face Mortimer’s Crossing, Teetering Traverse, or Two X Fall.

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Swim in Your Kids’ Dirty Bathwater: Nothing can prepare you for the grossness and filth of Muddy Mayhem like taking a little dip in the bath after your kids are finished. Nothing.

By the time you’re done, all major muscle groups will burn like you’ve never felt before and you’ll be a well-toned leg up on the competition. Helmets up, dads!

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Men and Women – The Difference is in the Details

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Cheap. Easy. Trite. Yet, we gobble it up like the last slice of grandma’s pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.

For years, it’s been ingrained in our brain that men and women couldn’t possibly be more different. The list of differences between the sexes grows by the minute. Society tells us ‘Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus‘ and ‘Men Are Like Waffles–Women Are Like Spaghetti.’ Enough already! We get it!

This tired plot device has carried plenty of sitcoms to prime time and far too many would be direct-to-DVD films to the silver screen. Studios bank, nay, prey on, our unwavering interest in having this timeworn stereotype entertain us. The least they could do is mix it up a little bit and pretend to have served us a fresh meal instead of last night’s leftovers. 

Broad strokes of the brush will cover a lot of canvas, and fast. But ask any painter worth his palette and he’ll tell you it’s the smaller #2 brush that brings the portrait to life. Likewise, the details explain the differences between men and women best – and without insulting either gender with archaic clichés. A perfect example of this is a conversation I recently had with a female coworker of mine.

Me: “How was your weekend? Did your son find an affordable car yet?”

Her: “Yeah! What about you? Did your sister have her baby yet?”

Me: “Yep – finally. What kind of car did he get? You know – year/make/model/miles?”

Her: “I dunno… a blue one. It’s got two doors. She had a boy, right? How big was he – you know weight/length/ pounds and ounces?”

Me: A boy. “How big was he? Ummm… baby size? A blue one, really?”

Her and I simultaneously: “What do you mean (baby size/blue one)? That’s all you remember? And to think (he’s/she’s) your (son/sister)!”

Me being a guy, wired the way I am, wanted to know if her son got a sweet ride or a beater with known problems. I wanted to know if I should expect to hear about him breaking down in the weeks to come or if about him loading it up with his friends for a cross-country trip before he heads off to college.

She, being a female on the other hand, only remembered what was important to her – it’s a car and it runs. And in case she hears from her neighbors complaining about someone doing doughnuts in her yard, what color is was. Blue.

In my defense, though, nothing I failed to mention (or didn’t care to remember) takes away from the value of my nephew. It’s not like there’s a Kelly Blue Book listing for kids – although I’m sure some of you wouldn’t mind knowing what the trade-in value is on your moody teen.

There we were, XY and XX, both concerned about the others’ family member. And yet, neither could understand how the other didn’t know such blatantly important details. The difference, you see, is in the details. How’s that for a plot twist?

The Usual Suspects: 8 Valentine’s Gifts Dads Don’t Want

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There must be something in the wintertime air that makes women stupid. No offense ladies, but you’ve bought us dads a bunch of ka-ka in the past. You can joke all you want about guys having two heads and only enough blood to use one at a time. Fair enough. But what’s your excuse?

This non-thinking gets worse on Valentine’s Day. It’s the thought that counts but sometimes the gifts men get from their spouse are as if the thought was “here’s something they’ll never use.”

Here’s a list of eight things husbands and dads get for Valentine’s day but really, really don’t want.

Stuffed Animal Holding A Heart

This is not a gift for a man. This is something we get for you or the kids. What are we supposed to do with it after we receive it? Put it on our desk at work? Well that’s one way to get the hot secretary to stop flirting with us. (I kid. Promise.) We get this and by next weekend it’s the dogs new chew toy. Don’t blame us – he’s the one that dug it out of the garbage.

Seasonal Clothing

When you take a perfectly fine tie or tee shirt and put hearts or kissy lips on it you’ve ruined hours of work that was probably done in a small sweat shop in Asia. No self-respecting man walks out of the house wearing a “I’m with my Valentine” shirt.  Seasonal clothing at any holiday is a gift that is only useful once a year, barely. The only thing this gift is good for is wiping up oil in the garage.

Tools

While it may seem innocent at first to the unsuspecting husband, tools are her way hinting that she wants you to put down the video game controller, pick up the cordless power tool and actually get something productive done. I know, how dare she. This is the equivalent of getting the Mrs. a vacuum cleaner. It’s odd how double standards are fine when they work in her favor. Unless you specifically asked for it, tools are one of the top offenders on our list.

Underwear

Of the five common types of men’s underwear, does she honestly think that she knows what you like? (Some of you stopped reading and started counting on your fingers.) Maybe if you’ve been together long enough she knows you’re not really into thongs or that you can’t stand how silk makes your boys cold and if she does good for you. For the rest of you dads out there, you struggle to fake a smile when you open up your gift to find a near naked Homer Simpson that reads “Simply Irresistible”. The only thing remotely close to irresistible is your murderous rage after finding out she wasted money on yet another pair of novelty boxers that you wouldn’t wear back in college when you thought Top Ramen was international cuisine.

Personalized Candy Hearts

Let’s cut the bull and be brutally honest for a moment; candy hearts taste worse than your kid’s yogurt covered chicken nugget. She can’t make them any more palatable by printing “Justin and Jessica 4 Ever” on them. If she wants to personalize something that’s going in my mouth then get a custom temporary tattoo. Now that’s more like it!

Jewelry

You don’t need a watch thanks to your cell phone. You’ve probably already got the only ring a man is permitted to wear. The MLB hasn’t called you up to the Bigs, so a gold rope chain necklace is out of the question. You are not Mr. T. Any gift you receive that falls into this category will be the cause of mockery from your male friends… providing you humor her and actually wear it.

‘X’ of the Month Club Subscription

Why is it that every time I’ve gotten one of these I always feel robbed? And I didn’t even pay for it!  Microbrew, wine, hot sauce, jerky, BBQ sauce – it doesn’t matter. None of these horrible concoctions are sold at my local store for a reason. Women think we’ll like to try something new. She’ll say it’s “different and exciting” hoping to elicit a positive response from you, not remembering the last time she said something would be new and exciting was when your daughter poured orange juice in your coffee.

Sex Coupons

Has a dad ever actually had a ‘Fantasy of His Choice’ not vetoed by the mother of his children? No. It’s just cruel to get our hopes up. These cards should read more like: Have a passionate night interrupted by a two-year-old followed by a lightning quick (and ninja quiet) love-making session, without all the cool positions mentioned in her latest issue of Cosmo.