The Usual Suspects: 8 Valentine’s Gifts Dads Don’t Want

Standard

There must be something in the wintertime air that makes women stupid. No offense ladies, but you’ve bought us dads a bunch of ka-ka in the past. You can joke all you want about guys having two heads and only enough blood to use one at a time. Fair enough. But what’s your excuse?

This non-thinking gets worse on Valentine’s Day. It’s the thought that counts but sometimes the gifts men get from their spouse are as if the thought was “here’s something they’ll never use.”

Here’s a list of eight things husbands and dads get for Valentine’s day but really, really don’t want.

Stuffed Animal Holding A Heart

This is not a gift for a man. This is something we get for you or the kids. What are we supposed to do with it after we receive it? Put it on our desk at work? Well that’s one way to get the hot secretary to stop flirting with us. (I kid. Promise.) We get this and by next weekend it’s the dogs new chew toy. Don’t blame us – he’s the one that dug it out of the garbage.

Seasonal Clothing

When you take a perfectly fine tie or tee shirt and put hearts or kissy lips on it you’ve ruined hours of work that was probably done in a small sweat shop in Asia. No self-respecting man walks out of the house wearing a “I’m with my Valentine” shirt.  Seasonal clothing at any holiday is a gift that is only useful once a year, barely. The only thing this gift is good for is wiping up oil in the garage.

Tools

While it may seem innocent at first to the unsuspecting husband, tools are her way hinting that she wants you to put down the video game controller, pick up the cordless power tool and actually get something productive done. I know, how dare she. This is the equivalent of getting the Mrs. a vacuum cleaner. It’s odd how double standards are fine when they work in her favor. Unless you specifically asked for it, tools are one of the top offenders on our list.

Underwear

Of the five common types of men’s underwear, does she honestly think that she knows what you like? (Some of you stopped reading and started counting on your fingers.) Maybe if you’ve been together long enough she knows you’re not really into thongs or that you can’t stand how silk makes your boys cold and if she does good for you. For the rest of you dads out there, you struggle to fake a smile when you open up your gift to find a near naked Homer Simpson that reads “Simply Irresistible”. The only thing remotely close to irresistible is your murderous rage after finding out she wasted money on yet another pair of novelty boxers that you wouldn’t wear back in college when you thought Top Ramen was international cuisine.

Personalized Candy Hearts

Let’s cut the bull and be brutally honest for a moment; candy hearts taste worse than your kid’s yogurt covered chicken nugget. She can’t make them any more palatable by printing “Justin and Jessica 4 Ever” on them. If she wants to personalize something that’s going in my mouth then get a custom temporary tattoo. Now that’s more like it!

Jewelry

You don’t need a watch thanks to your cell phone. You’ve probably already got the only ring a man is permitted to wear. The MLB hasn’t called you up to the Bigs, so a gold rope chain necklace is out of the question. You are not Mr. T. Any gift you receive that falls into this category will be the cause of mockery from your male friends… providing you humor her and actually wear it.

‘X’ of the Month Club Subscription

Why is it that every time I’ve gotten one of these I always feel robbed? And I didn’t even pay for it!  Microbrew, wine, hot sauce, jerky, BBQ sauce – it doesn’t matter. None of these horrible concoctions are sold at my local store for a reason. Women think we’ll like to try something new. She’ll say it’s “different and exciting” hoping to elicit a positive response from you, not remembering the last time she said something would be new and exciting was when your daughter poured orange juice in your coffee.

Sex Coupons

Has a dad ever actually had a ‘Fantasy of His Choice’ not vetoed by the mother of his children? No. It’s just cruel to get our hopes up. These cards should read more like: Have a passionate night interrupted by a two-year-old followed by a lightning quick (and ninja quiet) love-making session, without all the cool positions mentioned in her latest issue of Cosmo.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s