ABC’s of Fatherhood



A is for Always carry wet wipes, you’ll thank me later.

B is for “Because I said so.” Not exactly the greatest answer, but it’ll do in a pinch.

C is for Classic Cartoons. Don’t let them grow up not knowing about The Flintstones, Jetsons, Looney Toons, or Anamaniacs.

D is for Damage Control. You’re kids will undoubtedly say the darndest things at the worst possible times.

E is for Exersaucer. Get one.

F is for Five Fantastic Things: Faith, Family, Friends, Fighting and Football

G is for Grandparents: America’s #1 free babysitter.

H is for Hero. Be a dad worth looking up to.

I is for Ice cream: great for dessert, rewards, and bribes.

J is for Just in case: From diapers and a change of clothes when they’re younger to a cell phone and credit card when they head off to college.

K is for KEEP HER OFF THE POLE! By any means necessary.

L is for Lack of sleep – get used to it.

M is for Milf. We should all be so lucky to wake up next to one.

N is for Ninja Sex. Because God knows that if either of you make one little noise it’s all over.

O is for Oreos. You must teach your kids the proper dunking method.

P is for Privacy. Wait, what’s that?

Q is for ‘Quality over Quantity’. From toys to clothes to family vacations, always choose quality. Except for when it comes to your time spent with the kids. Make excuses if you have to, but spend time with them every chance you get.

R is for Refereeing. If you have more than one kid you know exactly what I’m talking about. If not. See here.

S is for Spying. With all of the dangers out there, you’re darn right I’m gonna be spying on my kids – and you should be to.

T is for Take time for yourself. Your wife and kids will like being around you much more if you’re happy, okay, Hulk?

U is for Umpteenth; the number of times you’ll have to tell the kids to get back in bed or clean their room.

V is for Vasectomy. This is a milestone of maturity and sadomasochism.

W is for Western Union, because sometimes Life throws a curve ball. Thanks dad!

X is for X-Factor. It’s the thing that separates your kid from all the others.

Y is for Yard work. It can wait. Take the family to the park, go for a bike ride, build an obstacle course, or have a tea party. The grass will be there tomorrow.

Z is for Zero; the amount your bank account will hold after the 1st year buying diapers.


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