25 Lessons Learned In 25 Years Of Life

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ESPN’s Bill Simmons brought about the idea of 30 sports documentaries covering the 30 year span of ESPN’s existence. Each filmmaker brought their passion and personal point of view to their film detailing the issues, trends, athletes, teams, rivalries, games and events that transformed the sports landscape from 1979 to 2009. 30 for 30 has been a hit for the network and its advertisers, but at the end of the day it’s just sports.

In celebration of my birthday, I’d like to share with you 25 things I’ve learned in 25 years – most of which are more relevant than “Guru of Go”. Feel free to laugh, cry, and share.

1. Under Promise – Over Deliver: When everyone expects your grilled cheese dinner but you bust out a dish that looks like Gordon Ramsay prepared it, everyone wins.

2. Never Promise What You Can’t Control: The delivery guy is the only person who has the authority to say the package will arrive on time.

3. Stop Eating Foods That Leave an Orange Glow on Your Hands When Finished: I’m pretty sure I learned that from Men’s Health back in High School – my belly has been thankful ever since.

4. I Am Tyler Durden

5. There’s A Reason You Broke Up With Your Ex: Remembering this reason will save you tears and time.

6. You Don’t Need Morpheus to Find ‘The One’: When you meet her, you’ll know.

7. Cartoon Boxers Are Not A Turn On: No matter how cool you think they are, no self-respecting woman wants to see Homer Simpson below your belt.

8. You Can Pick Your Friends. You Can Pick Your Nose. But You Can’t Pick Your Friend’s Nose: Unless you’re a chick in Silicon Valley.

9. People Will Hate You If You Hold a Press Conference to Announce You’re Leaving to Work For The Competition: Seriously, if a global icon/face of a sport gets thrown under the bus for it, what makes you think you’ll fare any better?

10. It’s Better to Have a Few Great Friends Than a Lot of Good Ones: There’s only 24 hours in a day. Trying to juggle class, your girlfriend, and a job is hard enough without becoming an insomniac. Besides, you’ll save a small fortune at Christmas time.

11. Blood is NOT Thicker Than Water: Your blood relatives may have your back and that’s all fine and dandy. But some friendships are stronger, more reliable and more powerful than anything ever experienced between two people who are genetically disposed to love each other.

12. Boobs Are The Greatest Thing Ever!

13. You Are a Brand: Market yourself as a multi-million dollar company would and watch the doors open.

14. If You Have ‘Playstation Thumb’, You’re Missing Out on Life: Notable Exception: Week after Madden comes out.

15. “Bros Before Hoes” is The Catchphrase of D-Bags Who Can’t Keep a Girl: Chances are you don’t plan on being single forever or living in a frat house when you’re 35. Spend your time on things that make you happy – if your ‘boys’ aren’t part of it, so what?

16. Shawshank Redemtion is Probably the Greatest Movie: Sure, who doesn’t love Fight Club or Gladiator, but Shawshank just has something intangible the others don’t.

17. There Are 3 Types of People You Need in Your Life: 1.) A Higher Power: A Life with purpose is a life worth living. 2.) A Trusted Friend of the Opposite Sex: A platonic friendship free from fear of hurting the others feelings means the honest advice she offers will help you dress better, perform better , and be a man women want. 3.) A Best Friend: It’s a comforting thought to know that no matter what, right or wrong, next door or across the country, someone is there for you. A friend who is constantly helping you to be a better guy while enjoying life.

18. Don’t Cross the Boss: Your supervisor may not be Vince McMahon or Dana White, but the outcome will be the same as if he were. When you two butt heads, make your ego take one for the team. Failing to heed this advice can lead you straight to the back of the unemployment line.

19. Holding a Grudge is Childish: Refusing to forgive someone will poison your relationships and career because the bitterness will seep into every part of your life. Forgive that double-crossing SOB and move along.

20. Always Keep Your Head on a Swivel: Hines Ward isn’t known for his aphorisms as much as he is for his jaw breaking hits on the gridiron, like the one he laid on Keith Rivers, but he hit the nail right on the head. When you’re successful, there’s always someone who wants what you’ve got, but isn’t willing to work for it. Being aware of potential enemies, girlfriends, or job opportunities will reap many benefits and it comes easy when you’re always on the lookout.

21. Lose Your Temper as Rarely as Possible: You’ll almost always regret what you do or say after a few Mojitos. Trust me, keeping your cool pays big dividends the next day.

22. There’s a Very Thin Line That Separates Cockiness and Arrogance: Most guys, and a lot of women too, admire the cocky guy at the party. His confidence, swagger, and presence just make him seem more solid than all the rest – something you weasels have no clue about. The man’s good and he knows it. Babes dig him and the dudes emulate him. Be careful Sparky, one wrong word and suddenly you’re the guy no one wants to run into at happy hour.

23. Kids Change Every Facet of Your Life: Having a child is a watershed moment. Your relationship, sex, and finances (among countless other things) will forever be different – and that doesn’t have to mean for the worse.

24. Not Caring What Others Think is the Single Most Liberating Choice You Will Ever Make: I’m not advising you to go out of your way just to be an asshat, rather I’m encouraging you to remove your shackles. Living the majority of my life free from the care of what others may think about me (or anything else for that matter) has brought me great happiness. I want you to know that kind of happiness, and it can only be found when you’re free.

25. This is Your Life and It’s Ending One Minute at a Time: Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don’t you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can’t think of a better way to spend these moments? – Fight Club

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